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4.5 Total stars
Perched on a structure made out of what can only be described as yellow, our hero and his noble steed, a brightly colored flamingo who has a hard time understanding German, watch over the concrete jungle of Sao Paulo waiting for any juju-magumbo to occur, whether dire or cheesy. Today is a good day for crime, as there has been nothing but utter silence in the air and a lot of obese people in the streets eating nachos and fish. But then it happened.Finally there was a reason why our hero is paid so much. It started with a large bang, then three whirrs, a hefty helping of rapapoos, and, finally, an unassuming plop. Our hero, shotgun in tow, races down the hillside on his steed excited for what may be in store. They finally arrive at the place where the opus of sounds originated from to find a tortoise wearing an orange bandana holding a bottle of relish aimed directly at Bob, the owner and sole member of “Candies For Strangers”, a organization whose aim is to supply strangers with candies. Bob has always wondered why his organization has no members aside from him, but he believes firmly in, and is proud of, what he does. Our hero, in trying to assess the situation, straightens his tie, blows his nose, poops a little, then grasps his trusty gun and aims it directly at the tortoise. The tortoise, now aware that there is a shotgun aimed directly at his face, twists his body so the relish is now aimed at our hero, and all goes even more silent than it was before, which means that it is so quiet, that even quiet itself is too loud. So there they are, standing about 62 paces away from each other, guns aimed directly at one another, when all of a sudden, a hare comes running up behind the tortoise and, from behind, kicks the masked land turtle straight in the nuts. “That’s for winning the race, jerk face,” the hare exclaims before hopping away whistling the song Stop by the Spice Girls. With the tortoise now out of commission, our hero steadies his aim and says, “The good news: you’ll no longer be bland.” He pulls the trigger and a plume of red specks explodes out of the barrels, covering the tortoise in paprika. Our hero looks at the seasoned tortoise, then looks at Bob, nods, and rides off on his flamingo. Thanks to Meredith Kinrys for her awesomeness!